Let me break it down for you.

Two years ago, I took up the sharpest knife in my kitchen and dreamed the dream that was me reading a different script, playing a different role, and acting in a different story. It was not perfect - no, I didn't dream that character better than what I am today, but it was different. The dream ended in red, red tears that was my blood flowing from my wrists.

Ten hours ago, I picked up that very same knife, tapped it on my wrists, smiled, laughed, broke down, and drowned. All the things I'll miss, I'll miss dreaming of that old character I failed to be - two years ago.

Here I am today: in red and bleeding.

Just finished my philosophy oral exam this afternoon. After spending last night with Choco Java Kula and a lot of philosophy notes (thanks to study groupmates), I felt I was ready to take on any question Mariano (my professor) raised.

"Naglalaro ang grado mo sa pagitan ng C+ at B," he said, just before we started with the exam. "Mabuti naman ang grado mo."

I (sort of) controlled our conversation the first seven minutes, but a surprise question caught me off-guard with one minute remaining in our examination. I think I was able to come up with the answer just before time expired.

He'll post our grades Wednesday night.

The review. We had our second study group last night at Seattle's Best Coffee Katipunan. It was fun, though I was not able to contribute much to our discussion proper mainly because all of us already seemed to know what we were supposed to study. There were more than ten of us who attended the review, and from that group I only knew half the people. We finished everything by midnight. Pictures later.

Moonwalk. Went to Carlo's party (yesterday) at their bed and breakfast in Moonwalk, Parañaque. Attendance: Carlo, Kathryn, Perlz, Ronnie, Eu, Sheila, Nesly, Za, Jacob, Carlo's blockamtes, relatives, and friends. Nothing much to say about the party, except for a few notes about a K-Hon, a CD, and drinks.

K-Hon (Cajon). It was one of Kathryn's sweet gifts for Carlo: that wooden box that's becoming a staple in acoustic gigs around the country. I half-expected to be able to jam with Carlo (or anyone who could play the K-Hon, for that matter), but it seemed like nobody present could play the instrument.

The fucked-up CD. I burned a disc specially for yesterday's events; unfortunately for me, the stupid disc won't play right.

Drinks. Count, count. Red horse: three cans. Bailey's: one glass. San Mig Light: one can.

Joy's. After Carlo's party, I headed for Joy's and met up with my high school friends. Attendance: Biboy, Lau, PJ, Mike, Mayk, Allan, Joy (and Jal), Jaja, Niño, Vanes, Anjo, and Beng. Tamang inom lang (Miller, Red Horse, and shandy). Tapos natulog na kami. It was an overnight affair and I came home just this morning, at around ten o'clock.

My mom thought I went out to study somewhere. (Actually, I said I was going to study yesterday, but I also said I was going to a party afterwards.) Apparently, I wasn't supposed to be out partying - not with all the exams next week.

Nothing much today. SM Megamall with Faura people and Seattle's Best Coffee with classmates in my philosophy class.

I need a summer job - something that will squeeze out whatever creativity I have left in me. I'd probably end up doing web design (again).

[3] (I'll just ask myself why are you really here.)

Road trip. Road trip yesterday with Colynn. Wala akong ginawa kundi asarin lang siya nang asarin. Paggising ko, hinatid na pala nila ako sa bahay nina Jek (pinsan ko). Waw, asteeg. Doon ako natulog kagabi.

Cram. Studying for tomorrow's calculus long exam; meanwhile, our group in our database systems class needs to finish our project. We also have our defense for that database system tomorrow. Stress.

I need a camcorder.

Monster lunch. Late lunch this afternoon at around four o'clock. Sinamahan ako ni KC. McDonald's. Cheeseburger. Spaghetti. One piece chicken. French fries. Large coke. Regular coke. Ube sundae.

KC, on the other hand, had a chocolate sundae. Fair?

Sleep deprivation. Instead of sleeping last night, I took a power nap in the bus on the way to school. It wasn't so bad - I guess I'm not immune to the effects of coffee, after all. I plan, though, to do my body a favor and get some rest as soon as I get home.

Electronics? Late into my electronics class, I had to go out. Lack of sleep has taken its toll on me, and I had to lie down the Faura bench; a few minutes and a couple of noisy people later, I moved to the Kostka benches where I finally found some peace and quiet. After the bell rang, I met Migs and Mae down the hall, returned to my classroom to get my stuff, and reported to my next class with my head still heavy from stress.



Calculus. I just realized I really do have the problem of possibly failing the subject.

You do not need a girlfriend. So you tell her you like her, then you decide not to take a single step into courting her? Idiot. Decide, you moron; decide on who's going to be the one (to turn you down)! Oh, now you get it - you don't think you're ready for a commitment, do you? You don't think you need a girlfriend, you don't think you love her as much as you thought you did, am I right?

Judd, you don't need a girlfriend - you need a wife.

[3] Let's get married and run away. I'll take you to Perth and we'll have our honeymoon hopping around Rottnest Island, the Margaret River Valley, and Avon Valley where we'll camp near the Wave Rock. Oh, and if you want to visit the local perya, I'll gladly take you to Whiteman Park. But before anything else, we'll have to get married first. (Let's go all the way, motion in the ocean tonight. Let's go all the way, wake up the stars shine. All the way.)

[4] 8675309.

(Hey my friend, it seems your eyes are troubled. Care to share your time with me?) Because, in the moment I needed you, you were there; won't you let me break your fall? And again, when your light runs out, won't you let me rekindle it? (See, you and me have a better time than most can dream; have it better than the best, so we can pull on through whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down, and if nothing can be done, we'll make the best of what's around.) Because the both of us are what's around; this forest can wither away, but we'll make the best of what's around.

(Well, she ran up into the light surprised: her arms are open, her mind's eye is seeing things from a better side than most can dream.) But only if you let me lay my hands on your face and see, only if you let me whisper quiet verses into your ear, will we then see and dream these things together.

(You saw me lost and treading water. I looked pathetic, I looked as helpless as a stinger without a bee.) All the while you were standing over that corner, eyes following my every motion; I can imagine you having fun here. (But underneath my presentation, I knew the walls were coming down and the stones that fell were aiming away from me.) Perhaps it is not time yet for me to give up. Perhaps, my bits of misery are now Aces burying themselves to Fate. Am I hoping for too much?

(Hey! What would it mean to you to know it'll come back around again?) Probably nothing. (Hey! Whatever it means to you, knowing that everything moves in circles.) Nothing still.

CompSAt. Results are in. I am now part of the new Executive Board. What does this mean for me next year? I don't really know yet. We'll see.

Rebels #1. Nope, couldn't settle for those pair of shades from i2i. Instead, I got myself a new shirt from Bench. It's about time I got another white shirt.

[4] (Let's fade into sun, let your spirit fly where we are one, just for a little fun. I want to get away, I want to fly away.) Fly with me?

[5] Sana lamang ay hindi tayo madala ng sipa ng demonyo at mapailalim sa tawag ng sinturon. Inaasahan kong magiging makabuluhan ang ating susunod na pagkikita, at alam kong magiging matindi ang init na dadampi sa iyong mga balikat, likod, mata, at labi; kung hindi mo ako pipigilan, mababasag ang baso ng serbesa at makukulong tayo sa kuweba ng kawalan.

[6] Una ito sa tatlong nalalabing pakikipagkarera natin sa harurot ng oras. Masasakyan mo ba ang karitong susunog sa riles ng matandang pilosopiya at pipiliin mo bang sabayan ako sa aking pagsunog sa riles na aking daraanan?

Cheesecakes of the Day: Noriko Sakai; Koyuki

I didn't have to go to that year-end party, Solstice. First of all, it was not my induction night and I had a lot of other things to do. It was not even something I really would like to spend my hundred and fifty bucks on. Lounge party? I'd rather read a book at home; or better yet, bake something for my family.

You really can't take it against me, can you? As a matter of fact, I never did love that organization. All I'm after is another line in my resume, and I can't see anything wrong with that. Oh, and for those members who get the idea of me not having the drive to work for that organization, you're dead wrong. In my three years in this institution, I believe I have proven myself an active and useful member. I did everything I can for the improvement of the organization, and my record speaks for itself.

> Hell no, it doesn't. For every position you have been in, for everything you have done, for every role you have tried to act out, there had been other people who could have done better. I myself regret certain roles I relished in the past; these failures I have accepted, from these battles I have learned. When will you? Oh, I see. This has something to do with the other half of the pie, right? I mean, that other half of the pie did nothing better than anyone in position last year. If you are following its footsteps, I suggest you be careful. This batch of fruits won't take your weaknesses so lightly. If I were you, I wouldn't have wanted a part in this salad. But then again, that one line for your record wants to make its mark.

Dentist. Went to the dentist for fillings. I thought I was going to have a tooth extraction but the dentist told me to get an x-ray first. Okay.

I'm going to play this last stretch right.

[4] Mahirap makipaglaro sa apoy; ilang segundo ka lamang mapaso, matagal nang mamamahay ang marka sa balat mo. Ito ang larong sinubukan kong iwasan - habang iniwasan kong galawin ang sinindihan ko nang tula para sa iyo, hindi inaasahang napaso ako ng ibang kandila. Ganito man ang kinahantungan, hindi pa tapos ang lahat; ang nagbago lamang ay alam ko nang ano mang paso ang abutin ko, laro pa rin ang lahat ng ito. Hanggang seryosohin mo.